Why I Love You So Much: Telling On Myself

Pandora is disrespectful.

When you are going through certain situations, Pandora starts playing all the songs that gets you into your feelings.  That is why I remind myself constantly, Gab guard your heart. Then I have to Google scriptures for heartbreak, happiness, good thoughts, etc. to get a list of great verses to read in order to refocus myself back to sanity. lol

Ugh.. this is a hard blog to write because my current situation is still sensitive, whether I act like it or not, and I hate telling on myself sometimes. Yet, I think it's too late to be modest and reserved, because I'm in way to deep with this blogging stuff.

SO..here it goes.

I hate when people leave.

I am so attached to my friends/family that if they leave, it messes up my flow of things, I get so selfishly anxious. Separation anxiety is legit. I mean... I’ve lost a couple of really close friends, we just simply parted ways. But they will never know how much their walking out of my life affects my emotional state of being. lol (In my overly dramatic voice) I have also lost a love or two the same way. Me and a guy I start caring for deeply will have to separate, then I freak out and hold on for dear life to them, when I know it has to end. Yet, like the philosophical meme says, “never force anything, not ponytails, more food when your full, and especially not relationships." So I adjust and eventually get over it.

One thing I have learned in my two decades of life is that relationships, jobs, promotions, and open doors that are meant for you will not pass you by.

For example...

My very first pageant was so scary to me. I remember although it was hard work to prepare for, it was intimidating. BUT the winning part, stepping into my new role as a title –holder, was easy. It was like a shoe that fit perfectly. I just knew something about it was for me. A few pageants later, I was standing on the Miss Georgia stage winning best talent in front of an audience larger than you could imagine. Great things in life take work, but ironically, they also seem to ‘just happen’.  

I remember reading the scripture where Jesus tells the disciples, “take my yoke upon you for its burden is easy and light”.( Matt 11:29) Yokes are the mechanism animals are strapped into and later attached to carts in order to carry farming items/crops.  Jesus tells us there will be yokes we must carry, but carrying his yoke is not as difficult. He carries them with us! This shows me that sometimes we love a person and they don’t see how deep we love them, or when it seems so difficult to be understood in a friendship, maybe that’s not your relationship to carry. It should take work, but not back breaking exhaustion for someone to feel loved by you or for you to feel understood. It should flow naturally. Most married couples I know share this one fact that marriage takes work for sure, but they weren’t hesitant in knowing the other person was “the one”. It was like a puzzle piece in their heart that finally found it’s missing piece. Therefore, the work to stay married was hard but it was not unbearable because they were doing the work with their missing and quite strengthening piece.

I can’t wait for that kind of love to find me. Until then, I’m falling in love with my career, great friendships, awesome food, fun, and a life well lived for God. I mean EVERYONE wants love and that’s great… but love comes in many forms. Not just between a man and woman romantically. Until God reveals the person that is ‘the one’, accept his many forms of love. Be so filled with it that when you meet your spouse they will be the cherry on top of a cake already made with lots of layers of love. Let them be en embellishment to a life that is already being lived well. If they are your only source of love and happiness they will continually fail you, so don’t fall for that trap!

OK  I have a spa date waiting for me so I am done gabbin…

I love YOU readers. Write me back. J

Gab

Divorced: Age 24

Well, I've missed you blog/blog readers.We are at over 7,000 views. I love you readers, Thanks. <3

 I have spent the last six weeks as a camp counselor in "no man’s land", Missouri, changing the lives of inner-city youth. Outside of the camp site, there were millions of acres of farmland, plenty of trees, and no cell phone service. The nearest store was almost an hour away and it was simply a Wal-Mart. Honestly, sometimes going away to a "no man’s land" is just what we need to clear our mind and reconnect with God. So I'm grateful.  I want to share something I experienced out there in those majestic woods.

One day at camp, I was headed to teach a canoeing class to ten students on the lake. Before class in the middle of the woods, I stopped to sit on a bench in order to prepare a bible study to share with my class. I was spraying bug repellent on, because my bug bite count was nearly 65 at this point and in the midst of my spraying, a major epiphany occured. I don't know why God chose this moment to speak but he did in a major way. These words came to me...

Divorced at 24. I was like I've never been married ..what? Yes, I've dated and many would agree because I have not slept with any of my" boyfriends", never created any soul ties, or exchanged marriage vows, being divorced was impossible. This girl has not yet nodded in agreement to the scripture, "and the two shall become one."  So what analogy was God trying to teach me? As I pondered over these thoughts, I went over my recent heart break. I thought of the boundaries I had let slip, the emotional attachments I had made without God's permission, and the inconsistency of my words and actions in that "situationship". I could honestly say maybe, I was emotionally divorcing. UGH EW. I felt so bad, my silly self started singing, "How diiiid youuuu get hereeeee..." in my Deborah Cox voice (hahaha).

Anyway, the bible says adultery begins in the heart. Jesus says, "If a man looks at a woman with lust in his heart, he has committed adultery." So, he is letting us know EVERYTHING BEGINS WITH THE HEART! When we give away our heart to someone who is not called to be our spouse, in a way we are practicing adultery and divorce. No wonder marriages aren't lasting anymore. We date as many people as we change our outfits in a week. How do we expect to stay married assuming a ceremony will automatically change those bad habits? In a world where dating is used for leisurely fun and not as a means to walk toward a lasting marriage, it is important to look at handling the heart of those you date carefully and purely. You should expect the person you date to handle your heart with care as well!

So God and I began to go through scripture and he showed me the verse Revelation 2:4. "But I have this complaint against you. You don't love me or each other as you did at first!" It was him calling me back to my first love, Jesus.  I am supposed to be so wrapped and satisfied in him that when it's time for me to surrender my heart to my man, God will give the OK. Just like our earthly fathers are suppose to be our first example of love and they give us away at the alter on our wedding day... I want to be so consumed with Christ that I don't let any man walk down the aisle of my heart unless my father God says so.

I was just so shocked that God revealed this to me. I had to let his word wash me and heal me from my past. I've always said I never want to enter a marriage with lots of baggage for my husband to unpack. I want to start early guarding my heart and emotions so I am ready when my husband comes. IN A GREATER SCOPE OF THINGS....I would like to close with this. Like I am intentionally preparing my heart for "the one", we've got to be intentional about guarding/preparing our heart for THE SON. (Matthew 25) Jesus, tells us he will be returning for his church whom he makes reference to as a bride. Earthly realities are simply metaphors for spiritual truths! Let's get our hearts ready for our heavenly home and the return of our saviour! When we feast with him in eternity that will be the ultimate wedding day :)


I'm just gabbing..AGAIN..

Love Ya'll.